Thanks to Joe Stokes for my beautiful journal! I'm not much of a journaler, but I hope to dedicate some time each day to recording my thoughts. I know I'll be glad I did! I'm going to share an edited version of my entries here with you. I hope you enjoy. :)
T-minus six days.
We've been planning for this trip for so long, it's hard to believe the day is almost here.
Christians don't own the market on good works, or even just good people, but I do wonder how people can make it through hard times without looking toward God. I know I need His strength right now. I've been through rough patches in my life, but it does seem like it's all coming at me from every angle these days.
I know I was given the gifts of leadership and teaching. It's just that sometimes, I wish they hadn't been bestowed upon me. That's A LOT of responsibility, and I'm weary. I want someone else to carry those burdens for awhile. Give me the gift of patience! Or compassion! I could stand to sit in the back of the room with my mouth shut for once.
That box I've kept locked up- the Amelia box? Well it burst wide open today. I can barely stand to write about leaving her. What will I do next week? The thought makes me physically ill. I look at our schedule and the words "free time" induce panic. Lord, keep me busy. Don't let me think about my little girl at home, asking for me.
That she's sick right now doesn't help. That I can't stop her from getting hurt; that it's my fault, is unbearable. I want to take her hurt away and make it mine. Let me hurt for my child.
EC's surgery is tomorrow. I know she'll be a trooper and make it through with flying colors. Her poor mom though. I can see the anguish in her eyes. I pray for peace for her. She will not rest, I know, until this ordeal is over.
God giving his son for us is the symbol we need to understand his love. Anyone would give their own life, their own suffering, for someone they love. But to give your child- your ONLY child- is a much greater gesture. Only a parent understands that. How we would do anything so our children never feel pain or hunger or grief.
This is what gives me anxiety about this trip. The mothers and their babies. We are the same, us mothers. We all want the same. To love our children to the fullest.
It is arrogant of me to think my life is better than theirs. This realization, which came to me recently, is what I hope will get me through. We may have cars, lavish houses, a college education; does that mean our lives are better? No. To grow up loved by your parents, community. To know God and live a simple, godly life free of distraction, that may be as God intended it. We should be so lucky!
This is my mission. To learn what love and family truly mean. This is my burden, my cross to bear.